If I were to count the times where I found myself drowning in my own thoughts and feeling like the most unworthy person in the world then I wouldn’t know where to start. As a young child I always felt like I wasn’t good enough, like I wasn’t cut out for anything. I would study hard for my exams, stay up late making test reviewers but I still never came first. Even then I’ve already accepted the reality that there’s always going to be someone better than me and that no matter how hard I try, I’ll never be the best nor anyone’s favorite.
If I were to be asked if I’ve already hit rock bottom, my answer would be yes. I’m just approaching my mid-twenties and I honestly feel that I’ve already been through hell and back. People go through different kinds of pain and though I used to think my problems were not to be given much attention, I eventually came to understand that problems, no matter how big or small are still problems. My rock bottom which I feel like lasts for an entire year could just be a day in the life of another person and I respect that. Not too long ago I was at my lowest and darkest, to say the least. I was met with a situation that I couldn’t seem to deal; I tried but I just couldn’t make myself get through it. Maybe I simply didn’t try hard enough or maybe it was all in my head. I felt extremely hopeless and helpless as though the tunnel had already closed and there’s just no more light for me to look forward to.
My thoughts had taken over me and it had an instantaneous ripple effect on the people around me. I’m not going to lie that it doesn’t happen anymore because it still does. The darkness still comes even after the sun has just shone. It eats me up and kills what little kindness I have left for myself. When it’s here I look at myself in a totally different light like I’m a worthless piece of shit wanting to just end and cut everything off. I get extremely selfish and what’s worse is I feel disconnected. I always feel the urge to stop whatever is happening and lie down on the floor and mourn for the loss of something that was barely even there.
I want to be alone and that’s where it gets ironically messy and beautiful at the same time. When it’s here I push people away, thinking that’s the best thing I could do for the both of us; hoping to not drag them into the black hole that is my restless mind, but all it causes is pain and a decade’s worth of tears. I realized, though, that that’s not how this awful thing works. All along I’ve been fighting this battle alone not knowing that I needed someone who would stop me from hurting myself. Someone who knows me well enough to see past the laughter and the facade I keep up: the one that disappears at the most unexpected time of day. Someone brave enough to break the wall I’ve been building around me my whole entire life. Someone that would keep me sane.
If I were to count the times where I picked myself up from the ground and stood up to try again……I wouldn’t know where to start and stop because every waking day is a battle. Every day is both a challenge and a chance to learn and move forward. I may not be the most optimistic person in the world– I may stumble upon the rocks and drown deeper into the ocean many more times, but so long as there’s a spark in my eye, I’m never letting go.